Tiba-tiba rasa sebak pulak..

Despite my clean run of never crying because of KPT issue.

Today, I feel sad.

To be honest, I didn't feel this way when I read the reply email from them, declining my application again. Yes, I was sad that the email said their decision is final. But I did not feel defeated.
But now, after speaking to UMS, walking to Goodwin only to find there were too many people that I could not ask the officer then and there, and having Mas getting back to me giving me a tease of yesterday's hope (kindly provided me a contact number which, am not sure would be of much use anymore)...now, now I feel sad.

I felt sad when this thought came to my mind..

'If someone can just give me 10K that would already be great..'

Ah. Such is life.

How did it get to this. When life's happiness and gleefullness depends on money.

But is money really everything?

Yes we can do so much with it but is it really something that should dictate whether we are happy or not?

Why has money taken a strong hold on my life?

If I had money, would I be happier?


Pada kita, manusia biasa yang ada very limited knowledge on the hikmah of everything, this feels really tough. A real blow. Really drags down the mood.

'Disebabkan kekurangan GBP 29,500 dan tiada elaun sara hidup maka sedihlah hidupnya'

Seriously?

In these trying times, this is when I have to remember the most;

Rahmat Allah tu luas.

Luas sangat.

Kalau Allah nak bagi you duit, berapa you nak, petik jari boleh dapat.

Tapi, in some cases and for some people, it is not as easy.

Allah tahan dulu. Allah Maha Mengetahui. Tak ada suatu pun yang terlepas dari pandangan dia. Dia Maha Berkuasa.

Cuba refleksi diri...muhasabah diri...tengok mana yang kurang, mana yang masih tak betul. Cuba perbetulkan. Cuba perbaiki diri. Because at the end of the day, the only thing I have control of is myself. Tu pun not entirely.

Anyhow.

I suppose the rejections have finally got to me.

Regardless, I will hang on to this, something from arwah Mas Afzal which has stuck with me since the first time I saw it:

Persevere, Mama! Nothing is without Allah's permission.

Haih la Mama. What have you gotten yourself into again...

In the ideal world: Oh, RNA-seq! A revolutionary tool! Oh, I will have the opportunity to uncover novel genes involved in inner ear development! Oh, how promising!

In the real world: ...demultiplexing? alignment? wait, PCA? The only PCA I've learned was Patient Controlled Analgesia. Principal component whatty whatty?

That, ladies and gentleman, is me opening up Pandora's box. That, is me just dipping a teeny tiny bit into the dark world of bioinformatics. That, ladies and gents, is what I have done.

Oh boy.




How did I end up here?

To be honest, when Boss threw the idea at me, I didn't actually responded in a manner that shows extreme terror or anxiety. Rather, I welcomed the idea of learning something new. In all honesty, I was actually looking forward to demystifying this puzzling yet promising world where biological data gets digitalized. I wanted to learn about it and I did not have a mental/emotional breakdown post R/RNAseq analysis courses. I was optimistic.

But now...actually having the data at hand. And all these super foreign terminologies thrown at me, and feeling my eyes and my head getting heavy by page 2 of A Beginner's Guide to Analysis of RNA-sequencing Data.. I am, by now, worried.

Its so foreign!!

Ya Allah, help me get through this and bestow on me Your Mercy. Allow me to make sense of this new knowledge that truly belongs to You. Allow me to persevere and come out on top. Allow me to purify my intentions for learning this and may the knowledge and skills that develop from this training becomes one of my deeds to attain your Rahmah.